First Post

Howdy everybody,

I know it's surprising, but I say howdy now. Y'all better get used to it. Oh yeah, I also say y'all now. So much about me has changed that I am barely recognizable. What's that? You want some examples. I now hate the Jew York Times. I find bumper stickers hysterical. Any t-shirt with more than 13 words, put it on the funny list, I even started my collection of can cozies. Also, I have grown 3 inches and constantly wear black face.

I really can't write and/or use commas properly so back to the old format. I apologize if you have heard/read some of the jokes and/or news before, but once I put it in the big email, I don't use them again. It is my version of putting it down on vinyl. Besides, unless stated they are my jokes, I can repeat them as much as I want. It's free. I never asked you to read any of them, just skip it and in the immortal words of Betsy Ross, "if y'all don't like me, blow me."

I went to have my car inspected at the one place on the Dutch side of the island where you can do it. It was a blast. In America, you take your car to the inspection place and wait in the waiting room, enjoy a complimentary donut, and get your results. Not in St. Maarten. In St. Maarten car inspects you. Not really, but you do the inspection. It is like taking your car through the Double Dare obstacle course. No scratch that, the Super Sloppy Double Dare obstacle course. They pull you into a secluded tunnel and tell you to turn on each blinker, headlights, brights, now honk the horn, now accelarate and stop on this pad. It's awesome. Well, it WAS awesome until they told me to pop the hood and I found out I failed. Apparently, in the land of open machetes, it is illegal to have a coat hanger holding your car battery in place.

On the way back from the inspection place, I saw a dog get hit by a car. The car didn't stop afterwards either, actually no one did. The dog just limped off the street. I followed it and kept asking it if it needed help, but it viewed me as a predator and went into an alley to nurture itself back to health. There is no real joke here, unless you are an asshole like me, and laughed at the first line.

This place totally reminds me of the Lost island, because everyone down here has a weakness that landed them here. One of my hobbies is trying to find out each of them. A pretty safe bet - alcohol.

Mine is the fact that I am overly critical of others. And Snickers.

My car passed inspection eventually, but then my muffler broke. I don't have the time to get it fixed. It's not bad though because the whole island knows I am coming and no island dogs run in front of me. However, I do almost go deaf going up any hill.

I noticed that the all-encompassing adjective down here is island. Island dogs, Island Time (our version of CPT), island cars. I like it, but I think a lot of people use it as an excuse for incompetence.

Speaking of incompetence, I saw a local newspaper's Best of St. Maarten. I can't wait to try the island's best hot dog at Shell Gas Station.

I noticed that the urinal cakes dissolve easier here. I don't know if it is because my urine is more stringent or it's these island urinal cakes.

I don't know if I am fit to be a doctor. Here's why: I spend my days going to medical school lecture. I have a tough time paying attention because I just write jokes about all the pictures of deformed retards. I crack myself up when I review my notes.

Here is something I learned. Little kids (ages 0-7) are belly breathers because they lack vertebral ligaments neccessary for accessory respiration, meanig they do all their breathing from their diaphragm, which results in their stomach moving in and out when they are out of breath.

Here is something else I learned. When you learn this fact and try to apply it at the beach, by staring at kids in bathing suits, parents will call the cops on you.

Everyone should post. Links, articles, photos, videos, stories, whatever. I tried to give this blog a title that was high yield on the search engines. Also, I thought it would be cliche to make fun of blogs, like by posting a fake poem. I WILL be posting real poetry.