I'm glad they don't have one for men...

Ever wonder if you were scientifically beautiful: http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/966854.html

Now when I send the terminator back in time to protect myself, he'll at least be able to find some hot chicks.

20 MORE DAYS!

Health Risks

Link

Recent research has shown that obese individuals are at a higher risk of suffering from dementia.

The study showed that overweight people were more likely to picture their friend as a leg of chicken after missing a meal.

Soda Pop

Link

Dr. Pepper has offered everyone in America a free can of Dr. Pepper if the Guns and Roses releases their long awaited album, Chinese Democracy, by the end of 2008.

In response, Mr. Pibb has offered a similar promotion if Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine reunite.

Late Night Shopping

Is food shopping late at night during a weeknight creepy?

Peter doesn't think so-- is this you Pete http://buffalo.craigslist.org/mis/617917191.html ?

Candidate Relations

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080325/ap_on_el_pr/candidates_genealogy

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society found that Angelina Jolie is related to Hillary Clinton, while Brad Pitt is a distant cousin to Barack Obama.

Also in the news, Brad Pitt will reportedly be making 25% less for his next film.

Comic

I have put together this comic strip. It is called Listed in Order of Increasing Sinisterness:

2nd Steve Post

Jacob - I am sorry about the peeing issues. But I enjoyed your story and just re-read it out loud to my girlfriend. But the picture your story painted was a little to graphic for me.

Peter - I thought your greatest game ever post was also particularly entertaining.

I matched for my residency in Syracuse next year and then in Baltimore, in dermatology, for the following 3 years. Please come down to visit. House-warming presents will be accepted, but please do not buy me a Willis McGahee or Ray Lewis jersey.

Yes I am jewish and other things...

In the immortal words of Erin Meegan- Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Long time reader (as of tonight), first time poster. I'm glad to finally be a part of this crazy mess. I'm trying to read through everything I missed and I'll prolly finish tonight, but I wanted to write down some observations b4 I do.

1. Hot damn Ricky...it looks like you look at goofy shit on the web almost as much as I do.
2. I think I finally understand why racism is so funny. Racism is still hilarious, but only in the way that other horrible things are funny...like train wrecks, mass graves, genital mutilation, cancer, aids, and the Jew. It's forbidden fruit that is more funny bc ppl actually think it’s funny; as a "wow- it's funny bc somewhere ppl actually really laugh at this." Am I wrong? Prolly.
3. On a similar note, ethnic mismatch humor is the highest form of comedy. It has been underrepresented here. That is the only reason I hang out with Ank, Dawn, Reid, Pete, Prateek, Oulee, and my crazy Asian/Italian/Greek salsa friends. Seriously? Listening to ppl of inferior cultures correct other ppl's pronunciation when clearly the Buffalonian accent is the one true one is so hilarious it could make Janet Reno open up a paint can with her ding-dong. (Since I don't speak simpleton-- let me be clear that this is a joke.)

I'm not sure if everyone here knows me, or how well here ppl know me, but wtf...yea I am ethnically Jewish? if that's a good way to put it, but I am half Jew (the bad part of me that breaks hearts and makes $$-- my Wang)/half catholic (the good part of me that died when I was young.)

For those of you who want to know what else-- what has crazy Josh Sanders been up to besides his Thesis(-not) or slowly transitioning from the life of a professional Youtuber/fish tank guy/creep to employment?

Well...so I did go to Sunday Mass. Now, before you read this next part and think I was always this bad-- I did go to church every week for about a yr while I studied abroad (even if 50% of the time it was to meet hot chicks and listen to the music-- there was a hot chick named Hedwig there (seriously.)) Anyway, we go to mass and (*this may sound Dane Cook-esque*), but of course we're doing the whole Roman/Polish Catholic thing with all the gang signs and whatnot-- Pete what's that thing called when they say "...the word of the lord" and you're supposed to like draw a cross on your face? My brother looked like he was having an epileptic seizure trying to figure it out. He also had a crazy smile on his face bc the whole time he was thinking of names of religiously themed pornos-- The Ress-Erection of Christ, etc. Meanwhile, I was thinking some of this church music would be hilarious accompaniment to the variety of shock sites out there (I don't need to name them but clearly 2 girls 1 cup, etc. would not be nearly as funny if the music wasn't so cheesy.) Also some of the statues of Jesus at Church of the Assumption look REALLY homoerotic...or maybe it was just me. (Sorry I sent this to you already Ricky...but I SWEAR one statue looks just like naked T. HEYDUCK from high school)

--yes I spelled it wrong purposely-- wouldn't it be weird to do a self-google and then see that?

Afterwards, I went to Easter Sunday at my grandma's nursing home where we ate in the nurses’ cafeteria where one of them was sleeping for like an hour. It was weird. My grandma kept calling me her boyfriend (when we are totally NOT official yet!!) My dad glared silently out the window (which seemed kinda metaphorical as it was the Weinberg (*JEW*) Campus and we were eating a commonly dysfunctional Easter Sunday meal) and my mom was getting antsy in the pantsy while pouring *SCALDING* hot coffee down my granny's throat-- which I guess she's used to by now (she didn't even flinch!!) Now this is one of the better nursing homes around (with a kickass aquarium), but it smelled as always like straight up piss and shit. Sam (my little, now bigger brother) lucked out bc he got to work at his classy restaurant and drink leftover mimosas.

To top the night off, I danced swing, salsa, cha-cha, bachata, hustle, and balboa for about 5 hours, met this weird girl that was apparently one of my World Civ students that asked me if I was gay at Level, and went home to watch Sam play his awesome Diablo II mod.

Today I went to Dyngus Day at the Grand Central Terminal with my bro and Reid Bancroft. That was funny-- I got hit by pussywillows and my bro got free vodka. Brian Kavanaugh and Casey Nowak were there but they didn't say hi and we didn't say hi in that awkward not-saying-hi thing that ppl do sometimes. Here’s some stuff that might make some ppl smile.

For those of you that have already seen them- look again. My web picks of the week (don't worry Pete I will not put salsa snack on here --btw I'm sorry colleen...):

Secret- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIAbxI3r0rU
Planet Unicorn- (a must see) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQJD1ura7G4
Peter Kedron- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VugnkDGwUAc&feature=related

Also- Jacob quit fingering your pussy and post those maxi pads pix. I'll post Sam's 'Handgina' scar if you post those...

Happy Easter Everybody!

My picture of Playboy Bunnies was blocked by "the Man."

My bleeding penis.

So since I was over in Iraq, I have been having trouble urinating. It had been getting worse, and I saw a doctor about it in January. The Army doctor was an idiot, and she gave me some antibiotics without really doing any tests. Nevertheless, the antibiotics did not improve my situation, and it became harder and harder to pee.

Finally the Army permitted me to see a specialist. The great thing about Sierra Vista is that it is a retirement community, as well as an Army community. So the average age of the people waiting at the doctors was about 80, with my age factored into the equation. There was also a large section of the questionnaire for new patients about ED. According to one of the old men waiting with me, the doctor I was seeing was notorious for giving out lots of Viagra and Cialis. Sweet, I can't pee but I will have a boner all the time.

So after a 2 hour wait, I see the doctor. He was a dick. You are what you do I guess. Anyway, he had me pee into a machine to calculate how fast I was peeing. I peed at about 3 ml per second; normal rates being about 21 ml per second. The doctor then TOLD ME that I was having trouble peeing. My response was, "I KNOW, THAT'S WHY I CAME IN." I was not happy with his obvious prognosis. He told me I had to go to surgery that afternoon.

So basically the surgery involved boring out my urethra with a laser. Scar tissue had built up from me being thrown around so much as a gunner in Iraq. Surgery went well, and they gave me lots of sweet drugs.

Now I can pee like a pro. It comes out like a super soaker or something. The problem is that I am still bleeding out of my penis. I have to wear a maxi-pad on my penis. Hopefully it will stop bleeding soon. The great part about all of this are the drugs. One makes my pee bright orange. Awesome. Percocet is fun too.

I wanted to post pics of the bloody pads, but Cat wouldn't let me.

Pfft... whatever.

More Racist Humor

Rocket String

This is a photo of a piece of string that was outside the Unitarian Universalist Church on Elmwood Avenue in Buffalo, New York.

Movies

So I have been doing nothing since my last block of exams, because I did VERY well. I did so well they offered me a diploma. I turned it down because I didn't want to get into residencies unprepared. Also I learned that they give them to anybody if you pay them enough. And they misspelled accredited on it. There is no U or N in accredited, I know I play Scrabulous.

This weekend I tried to study, but instead watched movies and TV shows. The worst part was I never fully gave up on studying so I felt guilty while wasting time, instead of enjoying the time off. I'm not very behind though because it was a slow week with the exams last Monday and the Easter break this Friday.

The first movie I watched was Run Fatboy Run. It was a Simon Pegg movie (the guy who did Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead) about a fat guy who runs a marathon. It was co-written by Michael Ian Black. He apparently loves the 80's more than he loves character development. It was predictable and it wasn't that funny. I thought it might have been because it was a comedy that I watched alone, but I watched Hot Fuzz alone and couldn't stop laughing. A sidenote - couldn't stop laughing is my new verbal crutch. I don't know where I picked it up, but I believe Mr. Ron Bennington is to blame. I'm not sure though, all I know is I can't stop saying it.

I kept the British theme going and watched a movie about my other passion besides marathons, the Manchester Rave scene. It was called 24 Hour Party People about the rise of the MADchester, Factory Records, and Tony Wilson. I didn't know anything about it when I watched it, and it was kind of a biopic so I was very very lost. I did learn about New Wave, Punk, and the rise of the DJ. Also Ecstasy, a lot of ecstasy.

Then I watched Ricky Gervais interviewing Larry David. I watched it on YouTube, but it was an hour long. By the end of this my inner monologue was in a British accent. It was mental.

I finished the weekend watching sketch comedy. It is this show The Whitest Kids U Know. I posted a video from it earlier. It is a comedy troupe of 5 white guys. The first season was great. It was really funny, with some really original skits. The second season went downhill a little bit, some of the stuff is still good, but the skits are starting to drag.

I also watched the latest episodes of Lost, South Park, SNL and Breaking Bad. I like Breaking Bad a lot. It is about a chemistry teacher who starts cooking and selling crystal meth to support his family after he is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. It stars the dad from Malcolm in the Middle and Dr. Tim Watley. He's a good actor when he's not converting to Judaism for the jokes.

After reading this post, I got depressed at how much stuff I watched and how much time I wasted. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I made all of you waste their time reading this useless post.

Online research...

Preliminary research yields a possible combination of the Mexican Food Shit, the Titanic Shit and possibly the King Kong; but, more data is required to verify that mighty Kong has awoken.

Question for the forum...

What is it called when you use the toilet (number 2) and when you are done, the sum total of waste (or concentrated evil as I like to call it) piles up above the water line?

I ate a lot of Mexican food last night.

4th Non-Ricky Post (1st Deneb Post)

That SNL video is pretty hilarious. It reminds me of me as well except I would have dropped after the first punch and I can't quite pull off the falsetto.

So I am pretty annoyed with Peter right now. We were balls deep in white-trash at the Elmwood Dairy Queen and I ordered a mint oreo blizzard in honor of St. Paddy's day. Peter, the douche, orders a regular oreo blizzard. WTF... it's St. Patrick's Day not Oreo Day.

Black History Month was last month. Ass.

The Greatest Game Ever Played

So do you remember that movie that came out a year or two ago, the greatest game ever played? It was about some kid who was a golf prodigy playing some older golfer who was a real meany but I am guessing warmed to him at the end. Anyway that movie needs be renamed because today I saw the real greatest game ever played, in fact I saw about 4 of them.

I went to the gym to workout and try to get ahead of Jacob because once he starts crushing tennis balls while waiting in the courtroom with his new workout partner I won't have a chance. When I was there I noticed the main gym was super busy and there were people all over the place. I went in to check it out because I had a few minutes and there it was the Buffalo masters 5v5 basketball tournament (see website http://www.buffalomasters.com/). I only watched the divisions over 60 years old. Here's what I saw (Imagine the YMCA but only with teams of Barrys and Jacks) .

The Games:

I don't think I have ever seen a game where on average it took more the three possesions before a single shot was taken. Everytime the ball came down the floor it was thrown away or dribbled of a knee or bounced off a face (this happened more than three time in the games I watched). The running was great because every single player wore two knee braces and they were so tight no one could bend their knees, so they all had to shuffle down the floor. Luckily no one could get to tired because play was stopped every 20 seconds due to the constant fouling.

It was kind of like watching a old NBA game from the 1950s. Everyone dribbled with their hand over the ball and shot over the window jumpers. Also next to the sidelines of every court there was literally buckets of ice for constant therapy. Warm-ups were also awesome it was the exact opposite of every warmup I have ever seen. No one was more than 10 ft from the hoop and no one made a shot.

The Locker Room:
When i was changing in the locker room there were team talking about all the games they played. One guys said, "that one fella was good, he shot like Geogre Mikan." George "fucking" Mikan! Also they were three deep lining up for the steam room. They actually moved pretty quick in the locker room because they had to get to Ted's for dinner at 3PM.

I'm sure I am forgetting other things but it was awesome.

The Whitest Kids You Know

Is the name of the show

Really Bored

Sorry I keep posting.  I told you guys I would be OBSESSIVE. I saw this on SNL last weekend and reminded me of my friend Deneb.  You've probably seen it, but I wanted to try posting a video.  If you have seen it, sorry, because it's not that funny.  The not that funny part isn't what reminded me of Deneb.  It didn't hurt though.  Smiley/Winking face.

3rd non-Ricky (1st non-Andrew, non-Jacob) post

First, I am honored to be officially part of my first blog. It has made me feel much more technologically advanced and less like my grandmother.

The ironic thing is that I was lucky enough to come across this blog while searching for jesus porn to add to my collection. I only later found out that I am also a member of the same blog when checking my email. How's that for a coincidence?

I am worried that the next coincidence will be that my grandmother will get a computer, the internet, search for jesus porn, find my post, and trace it back to me. Then my next visit home will be more awkward than usual.

2nd non-Ricky post....

No attempts at humor like Ricky and Jacob. I'm not funny online. Not that I'm funny in person, either.

Good idea from Ricky to start this blog, I must say.

I am still in East Hampton, but this will be my last year here. I hopefully will be moving back toward the city, assuming I can find a job in a public school around there.

I just got back from Costa Rica last weekend, where I was for two weeks on a school trip. It was a lot of hard work and fun, and there were no emergency helicopter rides this year - only two separate medical emergencies.

At the risk of being long-winded, I will stop here. Perhaps I'll add more at a later date.

Tutoring

I forgot to tell you guys.  I tutor local kids on the island every week.  It is very rewarding.  Here is a photo of me and some of the students.

Coincidences

I have been having a lot of coincidences lately.  Erin told me to start a blog after I already did, Steve asked me for Andrew's email when I went to go look for Andrew's email, and a few even more boring things.  I don't know what any of this means.  If you have any idea, let me know.   In the meantime I am going to enjoy a chicken salad sandwich and then take a nap in a Hefty bag.

1st non-Ricky post.

Well here I am in sunny Arizona. We don't have island dogs, but we do have wild desert pigs. They are called javelinas and are delicious.

Cat doesn't have a job. I thought she was Asian when I married her.

Cat has gotten so lazy she has Maria (our illegally emigrated live-in help) operate the remote for her. Maria always turns on Univision, and pretends not to understand Cat when she yells for Maria to change the channel. "CAMBIO MARIA, CAM-BEE-OH." Maria is a real character.

I have been using a lot of jokes with my Army buddies that start with the line "so there I was, balls deep in..." the punchline is usually something like "an Asian prostitute's ass, thinking to myself 'how much is this going to cost me?'"

Cat and I have been double dating a lot as of late. We hang out with an Asian couple (the man is Laotian and the woman is Chinese). Man, I stick out like a sore thumb. We go to restaurants and the host will think it is a party of 3. It is really annoying, and really true.

The best part about being the only white guy with a group of Asians is that I don't have to prove anything. Everyone knows who is... well... you know... not driving a Civic.

Me and Wu Tang Clan went out this past weekend in Tuscon. Guess what we had for dinner... ASIAN! Anyway, 9 Sapporos later, I was telling everyone I was "Daniel-son," yelling about karate chops and leg sweeps and bonsai plants. Good times.

I wish I had more to say. Basically I am working for the weekend. But isn't everyone? Probably not Josh Sanders, I doubt he has a job. I wonder how his eyebrows look now.

I will be moving East in July to the Baltimore, MD area. I am going to be Ray Lewis' training partner. Beat that Pete.

First Post

Howdy everybody,

I know it's surprising, but I say howdy now. Y'all better get used to it. Oh yeah, I also say y'all now. So much about me has changed that I am barely recognizable. What's that? You want some examples. I now hate the Jew York Times. I find bumper stickers hysterical. Any t-shirt with more than 13 words, put it on the funny list, I even started my collection of can cozies. Also, I have grown 3 inches and constantly wear black face.

I really can't write and/or use commas properly so back to the old format. I apologize if you have heard/read some of the jokes and/or news before, but once I put it in the big email, I don't use them again. It is my version of putting it down on vinyl. Besides, unless stated they are my jokes, I can repeat them as much as I want. It's free. I never asked you to read any of them, just skip it and in the immortal words of Betsy Ross, "if y'all don't like me, blow me."

I went to have my car inspected at the one place on the Dutch side of the island where you can do it. It was a blast. In America, you take your car to the inspection place and wait in the waiting room, enjoy a complimentary donut, and get your results. Not in St. Maarten. In St. Maarten car inspects you. Not really, but you do the inspection. It is like taking your car through the Double Dare obstacle course. No scratch that, the Super Sloppy Double Dare obstacle course. They pull you into a secluded tunnel and tell you to turn on each blinker, headlights, brights, now honk the horn, now accelarate and stop on this pad. It's awesome. Well, it WAS awesome until they told me to pop the hood and I found out I failed. Apparently, in the land of open machetes, it is illegal to have a coat hanger holding your car battery in place.

On the way back from the inspection place, I saw a dog get hit by a car. The car didn't stop afterwards either, actually no one did. The dog just limped off the street. I followed it and kept asking it if it needed help, but it viewed me as a predator and went into an alley to nurture itself back to health. There is no real joke here, unless you are an asshole like me, and laughed at the first line.

This place totally reminds me of the Lost island, because everyone down here has a weakness that landed them here. One of my hobbies is trying to find out each of them. A pretty safe bet - alcohol.

Mine is the fact that I am overly critical of others. And Snickers.

My car passed inspection eventually, but then my muffler broke. I don't have the time to get it fixed. It's not bad though because the whole island knows I am coming and no island dogs run in front of me. However, I do almost go deaf going up any hill.

I noticed that the all-encompassing adjective down here is island. Island dogs, Island Time (our version of CPT), island cars. I like it, but I think a lot of people use it as an excuse for incompetence.

Speaking of incompetence, I saw a local newspaper's Best of St. Maarten. I can't wait to try the island's best hot dog at Shell Gas Station.

I noticed that the urinal cakes dissolve easier here. I don't know if it is because my urine is more stringent or it's these island urinal cakes.

I don't know if I am fit to be a doctor. Here's why: I spend my days going to medical school lecture. I have a tough time paying attention because I just write jokes about all the pictures of deformed retards. I crack myself up when I review my notes.

Here is something I learned. Little kids (ages 0-7) are belly breathers because they lack vertebral ligaments neccessary for accessory respiration, meanig they do all their breathing from their diaphragm, which results in their stomach moving in and out when they are out of breath.

Here is something else I learned. When you learn this fact and try to apply it at the beach, by staring at kids in bathing suits, parents will call the cops on you.

Everyone should post. Links, articles, photos, videos, stories, whatever. I tried to give this blog a title that was high yield on the search engines. Also, I thought it would be cliche to make fun of blogs, like by posting a fake poem. I WILL be posting real poetry.